The Supermarket

I don’t know about anyone else in recovery, but I find one of the most daunting, scary, torturous places for me has been, and still is, the supermarket.

I hate going there. It has to be up there in my top 3 feared places thanks to my ED.

Here are some reasons why:

• I take 5 times as long as anyone else to purchase items I go there for, because ED tells me to spend so much time look at and compare the nutrition information on each product to find the best, “healthiest” option. More often than not this results in not purchasing the type I wanted in the first place (because it wasn’t “safe” enough) or not purchasing anything at all.

• Sometimes I do make the decision to say “stuff you ED” and purchase the item I wanted without looking at the labels, but it’s a long trip between the supermarket and home… Usually enough time for ED to talk me out of eating it. The item ends up in my fridge, cupboard  etc. never getting eaten.

• I get overwhelmed at how many options there are of things to choose from that I can’t make a decision.

• I see things that I would really like to try, but ED tells me all the reasons not to and I end up disappointed, upset, etc.

• I get upset at all the foods there that I like, but ED will never let me eat. It’s torture. I avoid the confectionary aisle for that exact reason.

My reason for this post is because last night I had a terrible ED experience. I was driving home from my friend’s house after a celebration evening, as her PHD candidature has been accepted (yay!), and has this overwhelming craving for ice cream and chocolate (I am blaming time-of-the-month for this one).

I drove past a Maccas and thought “yes, a Maccas Sunday will hit the spot”… But of course, ED was sitting right next to me in the car, and he put the fear of God into me and I drove on.

But I was still craving it.

I decided at the last-minute to pull into a local supermarket. “I’ll buy some ice cream and topping myself and will make it at home. It’s a slightly safer option”.

I walked into the supermarket, shaking and so nervous. I wandered up to the ice cream section and stood there, looking at the 50,000 different varieties of ice cream I had the blessed task of choosing from.

This was a bad idea.

I hadn’t realised at this stage that ED had also gotten out of the car and followed me into the supermarket. He tapped me on the shoulder and from that moment on, I was in his grasp. I checked nutrition labels, looked a flavours, costs, servings per packet, flavours… The works. All the while ED was talking in my ear, telling me to put them back etc.

I won’t tell you what ED was saying to me. I do not want to trigger anyone reading this. All you need to know is that 15 minutes later, I walked out. No ice cream.

Tears ensued in the car home, and more tears developed when I got home and Mum asked me what was wrong.

I hate ED. I hate the power he has over me. I hate what he makes me do. Or not do.

It seems so unfair that what would be a normal everyday task for anyone else requires so much effort and thought and anxiety for me.

I love ice cream. There are so many foods I love that ED will not let me eat, and it is pure torture.

Some of you might be thinking, “why do you let ED do this to you?” or “You are weak and just blaming him for your actions”. I guess I am in a way… I know what I need to do to get past this. I need to tell ED to buzz off.. That I don’t care or believe what he says… That he is wrong… In order to truly beat ED I need to go against all the things he tells me. I can’t let him win every argument.

Yet, this can be so difficult at times. When ED tells me that the consequences of my rebelling against him are the things I fear the most, or that he will be sitting there waiting, ready to say “I told you so… I told you eating that was a bad idea…” laughing and smirking in his smug, arrogant way when (or IF) this all blows up in my face…

I couldn’t bear the shame, the guilt, the embarrassment he will cause me to feel.

I don’t know how to overcome this.

What this just a bad day or bad episode? Maybe it was the wrong time to try to fight ED. So, do I pick my battles with him? Or should I be battling him every step of the way… Every decision, every piece of food, every shopping excursion?

I don’t know. All I know is that the more I fight him, the more he fights back, and every step away from him becomes harder and harder.

After that experience, I don’t want to walk back into another supermarket ever again. I can’t do it anymore. I don’t have the strenght at the moment to fight ED with every item I put in my basket when I am there.

So, I am asking you. If supermarket shopping has been an issue for you, how did you overcome it? What strategies did you put in place?

I could really do with some words of wisdom.

Ames xx

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